I Swear mabeshte wengine wanakuanga wametumwa na Shaito!!!

NIE REKE NGWIRE….I swear some people should just be shot. Yaani public prosecution.

So, its Friday evening. Friday the 25th to be precise. Ile siku yenye mwezi hukuwa kwa corner. Those 5 days to end month seem like a whole other month. And to think that someone just lost a consignment of Heroine worth kindu 25 Billion today. Enyewew kuna wenye nchi na wananchi. 

I digress. So Friday evening, just from town tired as a bish! I get to the house, put a nice series, pour a glass of juice and chill. I take the first sip and my liver immediately goes into shock. I mean, Friday evening, it really did expect something stronger. Lakini mfuko ikiamua imeamua. I slump ka couch and start watching thinking, if I had that 25 Billion…as one Wanjohi wa Kigogoine says, saa hii ma dame wote wangekuwa wameweka thuruare on head.

Then out of nowhere, my phone rings. Its one of those weird numbers. You know the ones that have like only four digits or all digits are the same like Customer care numbers? Yes those ones. I look at my phone, my palms get sweaty, my heart beats faster and i’m thinking, ‘THIS IS IT!! Ndio mimi huyu nimeponyoka na ma milli.’ I pick the phone and the voice on the conversation goes like:

“Hallo. Good evening. May I please speak to Mr. Shoba Harrison Gatimu”

“Good evening to you too sir. This is he speaking”

“Good. My name is Mr. Paul and i’m calling you from Safaricom headquarters Nairobi regarding a promotion that we have been running dubbeb ponyoka na ma milli.”

“Yes. Carry on” not wanting to sound to excited.

“So Mr. Shoba, as I was saying, i’m calling you with regard to our Ponyoka na Ma milli promotion and I would like to inform you that you are the winner of our ksh. 10 million jackpot.”

At this moment I want to say, “Shut the fuck up and go scam someone else” then the guy onb the voice says, “So, I would like you to come over to our offices in Westlands on Monday Morning with your Original I.D, passport or any orignal valid Identification document.”

My world stops, my mouth goes dry, i’m in a daze. Nothing makes sense. In my head I have started putting downpayments for a ka burroti in Mlolongo. I visualize nikimwaga mawe lorry mzima, mchanga and what not. Yes i’m typical Kikuyu like that. Funny enough, that money looks so little. For a moment I actually forget that i’m on phone and shout. I’m sure my neighbour must have thought that i’m mad. We finish the conversation and i’m still dazed at the amount.

I hang up the phone, call Kamau the butcher, tell him to tengeneza mbuzi nusu choma, kilo tatu tumbukiza na dry fry kilo mbili. Then I call my bar man Njoro and ask him anitengenezee meza tatu. ‘Mheshimiwa’ anakuja na wageni. Now before you judge me, kuna kitu huwa inaitwa kupatia mwili pole. 5 minutes ago I was flat broke and now i’m 10 million shilling richer.

I plug my phone into the charger, jump intro the shower, run a quick one, freshen up nini nini, dress up, call my cab guy and tell him to take me to tao. Just as i’;m about to close the cab door, the same number calls me again. I hurriedly pick up and think, “Yes. I’m sure hata si 10 million. Niambie kuna marupurupu ingine kama 2 million hivi ulisahau kuniambia nimeshinda pia.’

The voice on the other side goes, “Hello Mr. Shoba, one more thing, kindly come between the hours of 10am and 11 am.” To which I respond, “Wacha 10 am, nitakuja nilale huko kwa ofisi yenu Sunday usiku ndio Monday nisichelewe.” To which the guy responds, “We Shoba wacha ufala. Ni Kungu. Hii ni number ya ofisi. Uko mtaani? Leo una chora aje? Mazuri?”

I swear I suffered a mini stroke. I’m n shock. Now i’m seated here thinking, ‘Sasa pesa ya kulipa mbuzi nusu na nyama klo tano inatoka wapi?’

Anyway, if you see a guy pacing up and down the streets of Nairobi looking distraught and confused, aki usinilenge. Nisalimie tu. Ukaange ukijua I was a multi millionaire for 15 minutes. Sasa nani anarudi kwa nyumba ku watch series?? Fuck me!

LIFE NI KHARD!!!